The Turd Caper

Date: 2026-02-08
Story: The Turd Caper Man

Back in ’22 we had this delivery guy who had to go real bad, it seems.

I was on the fire escape having a work call because I needed to be alone.
For many in this city, the fire escape is the phone call room.

Mid-call, I notice a guy in the yard, pacing around like he dropped something from the next building or lost a very important object. He wanders into the dead-end alley, then comes back toward the exit — and my brain decides this is now my problem to solve.

I run down the fire escape and burst out the back door so fast my eyes don’t even finish processing what I’m seeing. I sprint down the landing looking for him, miss him completely, then turn around to head back up the stairs—

—and that’s when I see it.

There is a man sitting on a broken toilet that had been removed from an apartment.
In the landing.
Using it.
Like this is a normal, socially accepted restroom.

I run back inside, point through the glass, and yell something along the lines of:

“HEY — THAT TOILET IS NOT A BATHROOM.”

He mutters something and waves me off like I’m the one being unreasonable for interrupting his extremely public life choice.

So naturally, I panic, pull out my phone, and take some absolutely unhinged documentary evidence of what I had just witnessed.

We should not forget Jesus also had to shit from time to time.